Archive for canadian humour

calgary drivers….or is it ri drivers?


Calgary drivers… Sounds alot like Rhode Island drivers!

Here’s an exerpt:

I have had it with Calgarians who, in their own horseshoe mustache wearing, 90210 sideburn pomping, drivers seat slouching, wifebeater shirt wearing style think they have more superior driving skills than the average hick. Here are a couple of examples of a typical driving experience on any given day in cowtown:

The Substitute

Car manufacturers install a small stem with arrows displayed on it located on the left hand side of a steering wheel for one reason. Unfortunately, a large percentage of you don’t have the common sense that a Class 5 gave you (if you have the education to have one) to understand what it is for, hence you don’t use it. Pull stem down for left, push up for right, not pull wheel to right and left depending on where the closest hockey game is playing. There is nothing more annoying than having Joe Stampede in front of you weaving in and out of lanes without signaling, simply because he is wasting precious hockey time getting to the nearest pub to tell his friends how much he knows about the size differential between Kipper and Iggys dick.

an oldie but a goodie

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse…… Your call.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

I stole this from my friend Katie!

50º Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35º Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian cars won’t start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32º Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0º Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60º Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100º Fahrenheit (- 73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173º Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.

-460º Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “Cold eh?”

-500º Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

a joke from my aunt

I have 2 Labrador Retrievers & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Like the old saying goes……Ask a stupid question…….

talking to americans

CBC specials, Kinda like Jay Walking.

Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

funny

An American, a Scot and a Canuck were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth.”

He continued, “So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100 and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors. “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”

quote of the day

Dissing Canadians is like hitting a whoopee cushion with a bat: you hear a lot of squeeky sounds, then it gets boring.

That is all, please drive through

gotta hustle 2 pay the bills. Cause everyones workin for the weekend

rain rain go away…

I slept in late today. Crystal came in to wake me up and asked, “Where’s the car keys?” I said you don’t want me to drive you intoday, and she replied that I thought you wanted to sleep. I feel bad cause I like driving her in to work. I miss her already, I have to wait another 7.5 hours till she gets home and I can snuggles her.

Yesturday I cleaned the living room, and the second bedroom. I moved my desk in the second bedroom, and the other couch back out to the living room. Skittles is having a blast exploring and has taken over the chaise in the bedroom as his own. One of the items that I put in to a milk crate was my knee brace, and he has pull that out and has been wrestling with it, and has pulled in under the couch. I think we found his hidy hole.

The kitchen is full of stuff that Crystal iss gonna put up on FreeCycle probably tomarrow. That includes 2 computer monitors, a medium size box of VHS movies, a wine rack and much, much more!

I have to say that I did a great job on the cleaning. And I am suffering for it today, my neck is stiff and sore, and my back is kinda twingy, but I feel very proud of myself, as usually on my days off I don’t do a damned thing, but yesturday I was like a robot. A robot bent on taking over the world!

Where’s that damn remote, I don’t wanna listen to Meet the Press anymore…stupid Tim Russert. He annoys me, he has no upper lip, and he looks squirely. I found something Canadian Bacon. Its funny, and it’ll pass the time, so I guess I can ignore Timmy boy alittle longer.

Speaking of Canadian, I found this via The Toque a Canadian Houmour site: Casual Red Kilt, Maple Leaf Emblem by The House of Edgar from Kilt Store

Looks pretty cool!

NHL Humour

I know… the lock out and all… but if we DID have hockey this year…

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?”

The neighbour says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head “No. They’re all at the funeral.”