Stewart: What should the media’s role be in covering the war?

Colbert: Very simply, the media’s role should be the accurate and
objective description of the hellacious ass-whomping we’re handing the
Iraqis.

Stewart: Hellacious ass-whomping? Now to me, that sounds pretty
subjective.

Colbert: Are you saying it’s not an ass-whomping, Jon? I suppose you
could call it an ass-kicking or an ass-handing-to. Unless, of course,
you love Hitler.

Stewart [stammering]: I don’t love Hitler.

Colbert: Spoken like a true Hitler-lover.

Stewart: Look, even some American generals have said that the Iraqis
have put up more resistance than they were expected to.

Colbert: First rule of journalism, Jon, is to know your sources.
Sounds like these “generals” of yours may be a little light in the
combat boots, if you know what I’m saying.

Stewart: I don’t think I know what you’re saying.

Colbert: I’m saying they’re queers, Jon. They’re Hitler-loving queers.

Stewart: I’m perplexed. Is your position that there’s no place for
negative words or even thoughts in the media?

Colbert: Not at all, Jon. Doubts can happen to everyone, including me,
but as a responsible journalist, I’ve taken my doubts, fears, moral
compass, conscience and all-pervading skepticism about the very nature
of this war and simply placed them in this empty Altoids box.
[Produces box.] That’s where they’ll stay, safe and sound, until Iraq
is liberated.

Stewart: Isn’t it the media’s responsibility in wartime …

Colbert: That’s my point, Jon! The media has no responsibility in
wartime. The government’s on top of it. The media can sit this one
out.

Stewart: And do what?

Colbert: Everything it’s always wanted to do but had no time for:
travel, see the world, write that novel. I know the media has always
wanted to try yoga. This is a great time to take it up. It’s very
stressful out there — huge war going on. Jon, hear me out, it was
Thomas Jefferson who said, “Everyone imposes his own system as far as
his army can reach.”

Stewart: Stephen, Stalin said that. That was Stalin. Jefferson said
he’d rather have a free press and no government than a government and
no free press.

Colbert: Well, what do you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving
queer?